


Triad of Sayings to live by

by boffinhatwithapipeYuekagami



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), youtube - Fandom
Genre: Connected stories, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Three part story, What? I like it that way, angst yeah, sort of one shots but not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-04-18 12:01:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4705301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boffinhatwithapipeYuekagami/pseuds/boffinhatwithapipeYuekagami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A three part story of Dan's and Phil's life together as friends escalating to something more. From the innocent thoughts of their childhood to their rising sexual awareness, it was a story about memories, photographs and a heart that could still feel the love that once came and had stayed since.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sugar is sweeter on you

There were things in the world that could do magic. Not the magic that could turn the water into wine but the magic to make you feel something. The magic that could dig into your soul and would stir your very chords of life, striking a sound that would make you remember. Magic like those were the rarest but those were the best of kind.  
  
Those magic did not need any wand. It did not need spells or potions. It just needed memories, few photographs and a heart that could still feel the love that once came and had stay since.  
  


* * *

  
  
_Your lips had sugar and it tasted sweeter._  
  
If people would have flavours, Phil would be sweet. At least, from Dan's perception. But Dan would be lying if he would tell that it was just his imagination. Not when Dan had tasted Phil's lips. Had he known that Phil would agree, maybe Dan would have tried to remember everything about the quirks more, the softness more and the sweeter taste of sugary pasties.   
  
They had been in the park playing since morning. Their family decided that it was sunny enough to go on a picnic. The two of them were more than delighted when they heard that. The five year old Dan could see Phil again.  He could play with Phil again. And they did play together.They ran on the grassy fields chasing and playing tag. They also rolled on the grass, feeling the prickly texture of it and basked the smell of freshly cut grass. Dan loved that smell. It reminded him of spring.   
  
"Don't roll on the grass, darling." Dan's mum shouted. "There are dog poo in there."  
  
The two of them looked at each other and scrunched their noses. "You can go under that tree over there if you want. Just don't climb on it." Phil's mum added as she pointed out somewhere behind them. Phil cracked a smile. Looking at the tree, it looked inviting enough. Well, aside from the fact that it was all the way down the hill. If they would walk that long, they should get some food. _For sustenance,_ Dan nodded to himself. He was just grabbing the pasties when Phil grabbed his other hand and dragged Dan along. Under the shade, the grass was greener. And a lot cleaner, Dan hoped.  
  
They sat feeling out of breath after running downhill. Up close, the tree was even more inviting. He watched the shadows of the leaves above, taking note of how they danced like ballerinas swaying their arms. The grass all around them were gently swaying like they were a background of the leaves. The wind was touching his hair like a hand of a Mother lulling a child to sleep. Dan thought it would be a perfect time to take a nap. He was about to close his eyes when Phil interrupted his train of thoughts.  
  
"I'm hungry."  
  
"We can share the pasty." Dan offered. "I would have taken more if you did not grab me."  
  
Phil smiled sheepishly. "I'm sorry." Dan shrugged.  
  
Dan took the first bite and Phil next. Simultaneously, they ate in silence. It was nice. Nicer than Dan thought it would be. Sitting here looking at the trees was a gentle feeling of contentment. It was like having to watch Winnie the Pooh on a Sunday afternoon. It was Dan's favourite time. 

Dan looked at Phil chewing slowly. Then he looked at his lips. It looked so small and full of sugar. He began to wonder what would sugar taste like on someone else's lips. He already tasted the sugar stuck on his own lips. It was sweet just like any other sugar. Would it be different on someone else's lips specially on Phil? Dan did not know the answer. He did not like not knowing. He must find the answer as soon as possible.  
  
"Phil?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"What does the sugar on your lips taste like?"  
  
"Sugar tastes sweet, Dan."  
  
"But there must be something different. Have you ever tried tasting the sugars stuck on other people's lips before?"  
  
"No. Have you?"  
  
"No...But I want to try it."  
  
Phil looked at him questioningly. "What do you mean?"  
  
Dan pointed his own lip to indicate Phil's own. Phil's responded with "Oh" as he touched his lips with his small hands.   
  
"Would you mind if I taste the sugars?" Dan asked politely.  
  
"Would you?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then it is a No for me then too."  
  
Dan leaned closer and pecked the corner of Phil's lips. Just like what Dan had thought. His hypothesis was nearly confirmed. It was different. Kind of.  
  
"Can I do it again?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
Dan planted the kiss on the centre of the lips this time. Now, he began to conclude that something was indeed different. Something about the sugars planted on Phil's lip. Somehow, it was sweeter. Dan did not understand why it was sweeter. They both had the same sweets. They both had the same sugar stuck on their lips. Why was it different? Dan scratched his head in confusion and impending frustration. Maybe, it was just Phil. Maybe the sugar stuck on Phil's lips were the only one.  
  
Yes. That was the explanation. Phil was sweet person therefore if sugar was in contact with Phil's skin or lips, it would be sweeter. Dan huffed and smile as he looked at Phil tilting his head.  
  
"Just like I thought." Dan started.  
  
"What?"  
  
"It is sweeter when it is on someone else." Dan grinned. "And since you are already a sweet person, sugar is sweeter if it is on you."  
  
Phil smiled shyly and nodded in approval. He grabbed Dan's hands to squeeze to affirm his conclusion. Somehow, Phil had to agree. It did taste different because he had a taste of the sugar on Dan's lips too. It was sweeter and different. It also made him warm and fuzzy. It was almost the same as what he would feel when his Mum makes him a hot chocolate on a rainy day: comforting.

Dan could stay like this forever. Dan could. No one was stopping them from being together. But what if Phil would go away? What if Phil decided he did not want to be friends with him any longer? Dan did not like the idea. Not one bit. Dan scrunched his nose in disapproval.   
  
"Dan?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"We will stay friends forever, won't we?" Phil asked. Dan looked at him and squeezed his hands.   
  
"That is the plan. We stay friends like Pooh and Piglet."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"'Mkay."  
  
They laid down the grass and looked at the blue sky together. They both stayed like that for a long time, not minding the world whirling around them. They were content, sleepy, and warm. With Dan's hand intertwined with Phil, Dan felt safe. Protected too which was quite foreign to him. Phil was a small child. Why would Dan feel protected? How could Phil protect him from the monsters? And why were his hands so warm?   
  
Slowly, his thought lulled him into sleep. Dan's breathing began to even. Phil had long been gone for few minutes sleeping soundly. It was Dan's turn. And when Dan closed his eyes, he could still imagine the flutter of Phil's lashes when he kissed his lips and he could faintly taste it.  
  
When Dan finally opened his eyes, their parents were towering over them holding a camera. Dan rubbed his eyes and looked around when he caught sight of a reddish hair draped on his shoulder. He gently nudged Phil and tried to wake him up.  
  
"Philll. I think it is time to go home." Phil curled into a ball as a response and snuggled in closer. Dan nudged him again and pulled himself away while supporting Phil's weight. Phil's head lolled onto a side and continued to mumble.  
  
"Phillll" Dan whined. Dan's dad shook his head and carried Dan up, leaving Phil tended by his Dad.  
  
"Don't worry, Dan. Phil's dad will carry him." Dan was carried away from Phil. His chest ached a bit. Dan got scared for a minute because he thought he was going to die. But he quickly deciphered that it would not cause him death. If it was, he would have shorter breaths now.  
  
But still, the hurt was there. It was like the hurt he felt when Christopher Robin went away without Pooh. It was like that. He cried when he watched it. What did his aunt who came one morning describe this? Separation? Divorce? Hurt? An-Antidote? Anxiety? Dan did not understand. The more he looked back, the more he wanted to struggle free from his Dad and touch Phil's hand just to feel his warmth again. "Back to the car, my little bear. We are going home."   
  
His last sight was Phil's Dad carrying the sleeping Phil. They were going home. But Dan wanted to spend more time with Phil.  
  
"Daddy?" Dan snuggled closer to his Dad. "I want to play with Phil."  
  
"Tomorrow. You can play tomorrow."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Maybe tomorrow, they could play again. And the next day after that. And the next day after the next day. Maybe they could play forever. Dan would want to spend forever with Phil. For him, it was enough.  
  


 

 

 


	2. Doubts and Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You need to make peace with what you left behind to move forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many things have happen and I want to condense it in few words. 
> 
> First I am sorry. I sort of become busy at Uni since it is my third year. My subjects for the semester are ridiculously demanding. 
> 
> I am a part of our university publication. It takes every single time I have for relaxing. It is taxing and I am not quite sure I like the work we do. Because of the constant pressure towards most of us, my anxiety is back. Panic attacks are not that rare. I have to sit under my desk (which btw is my stress relieving place) for at least an hour everyday because I just cannot deal with constant phone calls. Life is shit. 
> 
> But enough of that. I am back in my humble abode of pillows and books. I am content, relax, and anxiety free for now. That is what matters.

_It was a strange notion that one moment you were stranded in an island, too lost to even find which way was North, then suddenly - as if the world wanted to be this kind mother-gave you a boat and a compass to steer yourself out of misery and the inevitability of death. It was out of your calculated path that you took an obligatory double take. A chance of a miracle, a chance of change was presented to you and yet being the sceptical person you were reared to be, you took your time, bidding which was a better option- to leave or to stay even if the answer was an elephant in the room._

_Miracles had expiration date though. Before the time finally ran out, you took the miracle and you got out of the island, just enough to see the tides washing up the spot on shores you once camped on. Slowly, you watched the island grew smaller. You thought it was because of the distance. But the island began to sink and it sank like that Titanic ship you watched as a kid. In an instant, that once you called home, was erased completely out of the map as if it never existed, making you feel more disoriented and lost than ever before._

_____

Dan stared at the ivory tiles of his piano. He had it opened an hour ago but he was not able to play anything. Not even a goddamn C. It was as if his arms and fingers suddenly became mere accessories of his body. They were just there for aesthetic. Useless.

He felt the strain on his back from sitting too long on his chair. With much to his disdain, he stood up and waddled towards the lounge where faint sounds of a television could be heard. He was going to mop around. Oh yes, he would. He would lay on the sofa and sulk against himself for inability to play anything remotely good under his standard.

Dan felt as if this house had something missing though and it added up to the pent up frustration each hour passing. Something was missing and he could never quite point and decode what was that. But it was there, brooding and waiting for Dan to realise. And just when Dan had just realised it was there, it would pounce like a predator on its prey.

“Dan? Are you okay?”

Dan finally snapped out of his daze and saw Phil standing in front of him, looking worried.

“Oh. I am fine.” He forced a smile. Dan should know by then that Phil memorised every bit of his facial expression. He saw how Phil’s lips tightened, pursing into a thin line. Then Phil smiled at him and kissed his forehead, tiptoeing for few centimetres, to reach just the spot.

“Do you want tea or hot chocolate?” Phil asked as he walked towards the doorway.

“Hot chocolate please.”

Dan later on realised how telling his answer was. If his dazed expression did not reveal much, his choice of drink had. Tea was for his “normal” days. Hot chocolate was for his bad, dazed, disconnected days.

But for Phil to offer it, Dan knew that Phil had known something was wrong even before Dan started to show the signs.

He was not sure if he should be grateful that he did not have to pretend that he was okay or he should be terrified because a conversation about this whole thing would be inevitable.

He choose the later one.

______

“Listen,” Phil started. “I will not force you nor will I just sweep it under the rag. But-” He held Dan’s hands. “-I am here, Dan, you know that.”

The hot chocolate drinks were on the table with the hot steam rising up, quickly disappearing into thin air.

He wanted to tell Phil even though he did not know what he was supposed to say. Dan felt like playing Blind Man’s bluff, except the place he was playing on was in open desert, wider than Sahara, and he did not know what he was looking for.

“Dan? Do you want to see someone? Do you need someone right now?”

“What?”

“Dan, you can’t lie to me.”

“What do you mean lie?”

“You have been staring at children whenever we go to the park.”

“You make me sound like a paedophile, Phil.” Dan felt himself smiling, feeling the clouds slowly dissipate.

The corner of Phil’s mouth tugged upwards. “I’m serious, Dan. You have been staring at the children, Dan.”

“Maybe I just want one?” Dan asked with his brows furrowed. He did not know where this is going and quite frankly, he was terrified.

Phil smiled sadly at him. “I wish it is the case, Dan. You see but you don’t observe.”

“Why are you quoting Sherlock at time like this?”

“Because I am about to tell you something.”

“What?”

“You are staring at children not because you want to have one of them in our care. You are staring at them because you want to experience being a kid again.”

Dan went rigid. He felt unsure of what Phil was implying.

“What?” Dan asked his voice could not mask the break it was ended although it was wrapped in confusion.

Phil sighed heavily, his shoulder sagging. “You want to become a child again because you miss the hands of your parents. You want to feel the bliss of innocence just to hug and kiss your parents again. I do not see a want for children from you. I see an envy and craving for what they have rather than what they are.”

The predator pounced on its prey.

Dan was silent. The room was silent and Phil was staring at Dan. Dan was staring back and he felt the room closing in. Silence was a spell casted by anyone who was in need of space to think. It was that purpose. But sometimes, space began to be this unnecessary filler for conversations which was supposed to be silence free. It was there to taunt for the absence of sounds. Dan felt the silence mocking him for being silent back.

Dan kept on telling himself that it was okay. It was okay to tell him. It was okay that after years of trying to bury it under his more pressing issues, he was still being haunted by the shadow of his island.

There was just this nagging, forcing question that Dan could never shake off. But what if Phil did not want to hear about it? Phil had tried his everything to get him to where he was now. Running away from home was not exactly the wisest choice Dan had done, but it was the best one, proven by his life in here with the man who choose to bring him along to his adventures.

But after so many years, would it be okay to discuss what he left behind when he was certain before that he would never look back again?

“Phil, I-”

Being married had its perks. For example, being able to tell someone everything.

“Phil, I miss my Dad.”

Dan closed his eyes after he muttered those words. He would usually curse out loud and none of those words could make him shiver the way he would whenever he mentions his Dad.

They made a pact. Him and Phil. They made one. When they ran away from home, from all of the atrocities, from all the sadness, they vowed to never talk about it. It was too painful, too harsh for two young boys who were just in love. So they explored. Explored the wide world, searching for something or somewhere where they would never be judged. They found it here-in this flat here in London. And Dan was able to keep the pact well- until now.

Dan was breaking the pact. He felt himself falling apart. Phil would hate him for it.

But when Dan opened his eyes, he was not met with those angry, lashing, disappointed ones. Instead, he was met with these two orbs of understanding, sympathetic, caring, and loving ones that made Dan’s chest hurt because he just loved this man so much and this man loved him back and he did not want to lose him. Phil smiled sadly at him and moved to where he was sitting and hugged him.

“Dan. Listen to me.” Phil whispered to his ear, closing Dan in his arms with Dan resting his head on Phil’s shoulder. “I want you to answer me honestly.”

Dan was silent, waiting for the question.

“Do you want to go back and see home?”

Dan felt the question hang in the air, trying to stay as long as it could so Dan could answer it. Silence began to do its original purpose again. To be honest, Dan did not know what he wanted right now. One moment, he was content. Next, he was lying on a carpet contemplating his life.

Home. It was a weird thing to say. Home was equivalent to his father. To be honest, it was no home. It was the reason why he ran away to seek one with Phil. But why then would he miss this pseudo “home” so bad?

“I do not know.”

It was that much of an answer that he could muster.

“I will book tickets.”

“Why?”

“Because if you are repulsed by the idea of home, you will say No. Instead you say I do not know. Hesitation is very telling.”

Dan felt those sharpened words poke his sides. Home. Home. HOME. There was no such thing called home without Phil. 

“Your happiness is my happiness.” Phil intertwined their fingers. “And I think it is time for us to make peace with our past.”

“Do you really think it is a wise decision?”

Dan heard him chortle. “Since when do you pick a wise decision? Dan, you do the best decision, even if it is not as wise.”  Phil ruffled his hair. “That is why you are married to me. If you have been wise, you will end up in a law firm, married to a girl you could not stomach. Not in an orchestra and a composer married to the man who loved you since you were a kid.”

Dan felt a smile forming on his lips.

“Dan?”

“Hmm?”

“It is going to be all right.”

“I know.”

Dan was still not sure.

______

It was odd. He felt offbeat walking down the same road they used to walk on when they were younger. The same houses stood firmly, as if time froze them. The same posts, the same mailbox, the same plant box, the same stairs. It was as if nothing had changed. But of course, something changed. Something happened in this little town.

Dan pulled the trolley bag towards the reception area of the inn they were checking in. It was a dingy one. He remembered this place. Him and Phil used to dare each other who could stay inside the longest without getting caught. (Dan always win)

“Are you Dan Howell?” The receptionist called out. The lady. She must had recognized him. Apart from his height and his hair, nothing changed drastically with Dan. He still had the shadow of the mischievous young boy. A young boy with a father. A shadow he was not yet ready to let go.  

“Yes. Although, it is Howell-Lester now.” Dan could not help himself correcting her.

The old lady flushed and quickly mumbled an apology. “I heard about what happened to your father. I am really sorry. What happened? Are you okay?”

Dan froze on his spot at the mention of his father. He saw Phil standing quite still too, intently listening to the conversation.

“What do you mean what happened? I do not know.” Dan faked his smile. He faked his shake of head disbelievingly.

She pushed her glasses up and looked at him curiously. “He shot himself with a gun yesterday morning. His body was at St Mortuary near the Schrodinger Street. My child, where have you been all this time?”

Where have you been all this time, Dan?

The question he dreaded to answer, let alone hear. Where had he been was an implication of where were you when he needed you question. So Dan, in his own mind, rephrased it.

**_Where were you when your Dad needed you, Dan?_ **

It was all it took for Dan to snap and walked outside, still hearing Phil shouting for his name. It was raining when he stepped out but none of it mattered. None of this mattered anymore. When the world finally gave him a chance to go back, he took it without a second thought. But the world had second thoughts of giving him the implication of his action of coming back.

Dan walked fast amidst the pouring rain towards the address the old lady told him. It must had only been a rumour. It must had. Why would he do that?

The universe sometimes wanted to play joke on the world. An ill humoured joke. Sometimes, it also demanded things, acting like a petulant child not getting its toys. But what the universe wanted was what the universe would get. Dan wanted to murder the universe. He wanted it to disappear, along with its undeniable hobby of presenting something good then taking it away upon reaching for it.

It got what it wanted: a broken hearted young boy reaching out for someone’s hand and having that hand slip away, disappearing into a void.

The air was cold. The sky was covered in thick clouds. Someone slashed through the clouds and it was crying. Dan felt sick. He felt sick from ever going away. Dan felt sick of ever coming home. Dan felt sick of even existing. The little island was no more and he was not there to sink with it. He was not sure if it was a bad thing or not.

Dan after going inside confirming his greatest fear, stood under the pouring rain. Raindrops pounded harshly on his skin. It was then that he realised that the sky was not crying with him. It was mocking him. Everything around him mocked him.  

Dan hated everything about this place right now. The cobbled steps. The windows. The plant boxes. The houses. It looked like nothing had changed when in reality something had. Life happened and Dan wanted to take that life back. Time and space took place and he wanted those two to stop.

“Dan?”

Dan looked up and saw Phil standing few inches from him with an umbrella.

Phil. Everything just boiled down to Phil. Dan had lost most of things. Not Phil. He had Phil. But if Phil would disappear, Dan did not know what to do. It would happen too at some point in life.

“Phil, I-”

Dan swallowed the thick lump forming in his throat. His body was soaked, shivering, and he was not sure if he was crying. Raindrops and tears are mixed together. It was strange how oddly things mix together until no one could decipher which was which. In that moment, Dan felt like tears. The world was the raindrops, drowning away the tears, making it feel like the tears never existed giving the false sense of being okay.

“I did not have the time to say Goodbye.” Dan finally choked out. “Phil, he had to live his final hours thinking I hated him forever. I am a bad child. A bad, bad son.” Dan finally cracked open, he sat on the ground and curled like a ball, sobbing as if there was no tomorrow.

“If only I came back few days earlier, then maybe, just maybe, we’ll have talked and straightened out the edges. But no. It had to be a day late. The dead would never hear and the dead would never answer.” Dan kept on talking against the harsh pound of the rain on his exposed skin. “Why do I always have to wait things out and realise it is too late? Fucking procrastinator, I am.”

“I hate it.” He punched the ground.

“I hate what happened.” Punched it again.

“I hate the world.” Tried to claw the ground, damp and dirty, fingernails scraped, skin gashed.

“I hate my fucking self for being so fucking stupid.” He punched the ground hard. Rainwater was mixed with crimson colour. Dan did not feel the sharp pain that emitted from his fist. In fact, he continued to punch the ground as if he was not painting his wet canvas with colour.

Punch. _He wanted to._

Punch. _He wanted to drown the pain._

Punch. _He needed to feel something aside from this_.

Punch. “Fuck you, Dan Howell and all your terribly flawed sense of the world.” Dan punched the pavement one more time, feeling the sharp throbbing pain from his fist.

Against all this disaster, Phil stood still, watching Dan pour his heart out against the wet pavement. It was all that Phil could do. Watch from a sideline. This was not his act. This was not his play. It was Dan’s and what Dan needed at the moment was someone to be a supporting character. An anchor when the ship had lost its direction.

But when Phil saw the colour of the water changing, he let go of the umbrella and grabbed Dan’s fist while simultaneously trying to enclose him in his own warmth, if he still had that warmth. Because that was what Dan needed too. Not a voice of reason but someone to lean on. Someone to put a stop when everything was just too overwhelming and spinning so fast.

Then Dan screamed. A long agonizing screaming like a wild animal being killed. Dan did not care if it would wake the people near. He did not care. The wind was drowning his voice anyway. Dan had been wanting to scream for so long, to watch the world around him shatter into million pieces. But everything around him seemed to stood even more daunting than before. Taller than before. Stronger than before.

When Dan had finally calmed down, Phil kissed his forehead still dripping in rain water.

“Dan, let us go back to the inn. We will take things from there.”

Dan nodded but he felt himself ebbing away, like the ship not anchored in a sea during a storm.

____

 

“There is something that you should know.” Dan looked up as his father’s last girlfriend stood by the doorway. She looked young, few years older than Dan, but somehow she looked older by decades. She looked weighed down for whatever reason. Her eyes had seen a good amount of burden and heartbreak.

“What?” Dan asked.

“He regretted ever trying to drive you away.”

Dan felt the words swimming inside his head, trying to tinkle the synapses so that those words make sense.

“Then why did he do it?”

“He got scared.”

“Scared of what? Of me and Phil? because according to him, we are monsters and child predators? I am fine fucking one man. Thank you very much.” Dan felt the venom of his words drip. He still would not believe the bullshit this lady had been spouting. 

She was silent for a while, trying to think of a possible response.

“Yes. He got scared of you and Phil. He did not understand anything about this.”

“So what he did is try and punch me for even loving a boy? That will make him understand?”

“No, Dan. List-”

“Then tell me!” Dan raised his voice unexpectedly. He was sitting inside the kitchen on a chair who once belonged to his father. He was wearing a black suit with his hair combed neatly, his bandaged hands laid on his lap, a reminder of the day he punched the wet pavement. He just came back from the funeral where only few people gathered because Dan's father lose most of his friends when he leaned to alcohol for support. He did not hear anything from him and now this woman was claiming that his Dad regretted ever making him feel like an outsider inside their home? He had to believe that everything was fine for his father and now he came back to find him dead by suicide. His Dad did not even think of dramatic way of dying like hanging. Instead, he took a gun and shot his head filled with his own memories like he was in a haste to go the same way Dan was years ago.

His father was struggling badly and Dan was not even aware of it. Dan wanted to scream at this woman for not even thinking of contacting him when everything was falling apart to his once whole father.

“Dan.” She started. “He admitted that he got overboard with his fear. When you left, it took him months and copious amount of slaps from me to knock himself out of his drunken homophobic stupor. But when he did, you were already gone.”

Dan stared at the cup of tea in front of him. He had not drunk from it yet.

“He tried to find you, Dan. He tried to ask you where you were from people who knew you. It took him years to finally find your location. He found you in London, Dan. He found you that day of your wedding.”

Dan’s head snapped up. “My-My wedding?” Dan asked.

She nodded and smiled sadly. “You know what he told me, Dan? ‘My boy looked so dashing and fine in that suit and I cannot fathom how to congratulate Phil for ever fishing him out. His Mother is proud of him. I am too’” She smiled fondly at the memory.

“Then he told me that he regretted ever driving you two away. That if only he could, he would be there at your wedding, standing proud as a parent and welcoming Phil to the family. But he knew, you would not want that.”

Dan went silent for a while. A tear slipped from his eye which Dan quickly wiped away. Crying could do no good right now, especially not in front of this woman.

His Dad. Dan wanted to look at his father’s eyes one more time. Dan wanted to tell him that he loved him one more time. Just one more time. Just a second chance. But Second chances do not exist to people who are blessed with only one shot.

“And I-” She stopped, trying to regain her cracked voice. “-I found a letter sitting on his desk. It was addressed to you.”

Dan with his trembling hand, took the letter and saw the scribblings of his father’s handwriting. His father was a professor once so Dan knew, his handwriting was still beautiful in calligraphic style.

He felt the rough texture of the paper against his touch. The letters were smudged and he was imagining his father writing with his back crooked and his hands furiously moving as if he was in a hurry

Dan imagined him crying on his desk as he wrote this letter. There were splashed marks on few spots where the ink washed away. Dan was sure it was not  just water.

He imagined him being as lost as Dan was.

He imagined him regretting.

He imagined himself looking at Dan’s baby photos and cradling it softly, that if only his father would wish hard enough, Dan would appear on the doorway like a child again.

He imagined him going inside Dan’s room and sitting there, just to reminisce what he once had. He imagined him silently wiping the tears away when he saw Dan in his wedding suit.

Dan imagined him regretting and Dan could not help feeling the regret too.

He felt like he wanted to hold on to this woman's words. It was not impossible to do so, because Dan could imagine his father being regretful. His Dad was never a bad a person. He was a good person trapped in the cages of the past, a chain preventing him from ever getting out. 

“I did not read it. I promise you.”

“Thank you.” Dan forced a smiled through the haze of tears. “I mean it this time. Thank you for taking care of him.”

She smiled sadly and nodded. She stood up and kissed Dan’s forehead. “Be strong, Danny boy.” She walked out off the kitchen. But Dan did not fail to hear the silent sobs emitting from her as soon as she stepped out of the kitchen.

He stood up too and walked towards where Phil was sitting in the living room.

“Phil?”

Phil looked up, his eyes brimming red. He was slouched on the sofa with his hair sticking to different places. 

“Dad left a letter.”

Phil straightened his posture and gave Dan enough room to sit.

“Have you read it?” Phil asked as Dan sat down by his side.

“No.” Dan answered. “We have to read it together.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

For once, he did not have any doubt.

___________

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALSO TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY! ~~ 
> 
> Hope you like my birthday gift to all of you!
> 
> ALSO ONE MORE CHAPTER (and quite possibly a bonus chapter) so hold on for me my jacks.


	3. To my dearest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uncovering the past and revelations of the present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tying the knot of this story.

_ It was dark. Everything was dark. The window glasses were dark. My room was dark. Your room was even more. It felt like a void. Even when the light was on or even the little lampshade by my drawer was illuminating my room- it could never chase the darkness away. It was still there, lurking and waiting to strike, waiting for me to be consumed. _

 

Dan was biding his time. He was sat on the window sill staring at the darkness of the night adorned with few little specks of light illuminating the streets. He could not sleep. Not when he would finally do this. Not when he was actually going to do something. He was going to do it. He was going to leave.

Tonight.

Phil told him as he kissed his lips one last time before he trudged towards his home. Dan snuck outside when he knew his father was knocked out of alcohol earlier. He met Phil under the great oak tree by the park they used to play together, back when everything was simple. Back when everything was still kind. Back when the world was on their side. 

Sneaking was tiring. It felt like being aware of every eyes turning towards him even though barely enough people would actually recognize him under the dark shadows casting over his face. Still, it made Dan’s skin crawl.

“I’m tired, Phil.” Dan blurted out as he lay his head on Phil’s shoulder. Dan felt Phil’s breathing. Phil sighed heavily and traced circles on Dan’s shoulder, trying to calm the younger boy. 

“What do you want to do?” Phil asked, his voice soft and warm. 

Dan closed his eyes and thought of Phil’s radiant smile and laughter. He thought about Phil’s brilliant mind and eccentric acts. His voice always gave Dan a sense of warmth. With Phil by his side, Dan felt like nothing could hurt him. He was safe, content, warm. It almost felt like what a Home should be..

Then Dan thought of the dark hallway and the empty corridors of the house he was residing in. He thought about the trashed bedroom, the broken picture frames, the shattered glass and the countless bottles. That was not a home, Dan thought. That was hell.

“Let us run away.” Dan blurted out.

Phil turned to him slowly. “What?” He asked. 

“Phil,” Dan’s voice wavered, ready to brush the idea off. But just the thought of going back to his own bedroom alone and consumed by sadness, made him sick to his stomach. The thought of Phil leaving made him clutch Phil’s shirt tighter.

With determined eyes, he stared directly to the blue sea. “I want to run away.”

Phil stared at him, silence giving a moment to think. Phil looked at Dan and his heart began to hurt. The younger boy looked dishevelled, almost as if he was constantly under a storm. He looked thinner, colours began to taint his olive skin ranging from black to yellow. It hurts Phil to see Dan like this. This vulnerable, scared, and rushed version. And Phil was more than willing to get him out of this state, to get him out of his own box. 

But running away? Running away would be a nail to the coffin. No one was coming back after that. They could not visit here. They could not even ask how were the people who had left behind doing. Running away was like presenting yourself as a blank sheet of paper ready to be written on. People running away would end their past life and start a new one. Was the two of them ready for that?

Phil’s doubt soon diminished when he scrutinized Dan’s eyes. Phil always liked Dan’s eyes. It was kind, soft, warm, and innocent. But right now, it was laced with something foreign. Something, even Phil, had not seen in his own reflections. Somehow, Dan’s eyes, became older. Gone were the innocence, the softness, the warmth. Those were replaced by harsher, sharper emotions blazing through his eyes, then dulling and sucking away Dan’s light. And it made Phil angry. He wanted to lash out, punch Dan’s dad for all he care. He just wanted to show the person who did this that they destroyed Dan and shattered his soul into pieces until it could no longer be restored no matter how much he would try. With all these thoughts invading his head, a single stray of tears slid from Phil’s left eye. 

“Are you sure?” Phil wiped away the tears angrily.

Dan nodded, sealing the fate and future they were going to embark and share.   

It was dark but Dan had never been more knowing with his way.

 

_ It was always like this. With the darkness. My eyes were also darker. I was a walking void. Life could never happen near me. I would suck away whatever it was, and it would disappear forever. I almost dragged you into my void, until this boy came. I knew it was him. The way how he looked at you and the way how you looked at him.  _

 

“Will you go on a date with me?” 

Dan’s chest was hammered with his heart beating faster. Phil stood in front of him with a single red rose clasped in his hand, his grip so tight that his knuckle was turning white. Phil’s pale face was now splashed with crimson colour and his eyes, although it was the colour of the calm sea, were beginning to look under the strains of a storm. But just like any other natural disasters, the storm began to pass and a glint of hope shimmered in Phil’s eyes. Dan stood there with his books on one hand, bag on the other, as he replayed Phil’s voice asking him to go on a date. 

Is this real life? Dan thought, his mouth hanging open, not really aware that his thoughts were said out loud.

“Yes, Dan. This is real life.” Phil nodded tensely. “So,” He inhaled sharply. “Will you go on a date with me, Dan?”

“Of course. Yes, Phil.” Dan grinned at him, noting the relieved sigh escaping Phil’s lips. “Although hugging you right now might be tricky because books, right?” Dan shrugged. Phil offered his help and grabbed his books trading it with the single red rose.

Then they continued to walk towards Dan’s home with a comfortable silence lingering in the air. Dan never dreamed or even thought that Phil would ask him out. In his head, it was always Dan who would give in and ask Phil out of the blue. It was supposed to be like that. Not the other way around with Phil nervously standing in front of him. 

So he pinched himself. And again. And again.

“What are you doing?” Dan heard Phil asking him. 

“Pinching myself.”

“I know but why? You still think this is a dream?”

Dan nodded. “It is surreal. You asking me out. I always thought it will be me who gives in and ask you out.” Dan added looking at Phil, only to caught the older man already staring at him. 

“Well,” Phil looked away, tint of blush brushing his cheeks. “Call it a twist of fate, if you may.” Phil mumbled. 

The distance between Dan’s school and home was too short for Dan’s liking. He had been talking to Phil about senseless thing and he felt himself settling into this comfortable place with him. Dan had always wanted to be Phil’s  _ more. _ Something more than a best friend was. But Dan, lucky Dan, had settled the two spots with his own name. 

As they approach the familiar front yard, Phil stopped walking. 

“Saturday. 6. I’ll pick you up.” Phil’s voice broke as uttered those words. Then his brows furrowed. “Will that be okay?” Phil asked hesitantly. 

Dan wanted to smack him in the head. “Phil,” Dan smiled. “Just because I am going on a date with you, does not mean I am not your best friend any longer. You can still be goofy with me. You can be the you I have known.”

“But I am supposed to impress yo-”

“And you have been doing well so far.” Dan grinned. Then blushed.

The sky was splashed with the colours of the sunset, darkness battling the light. When the light was finally retreating, Dan closed the distance between them and kissed Phil on the lips. Warm, he thought. So warm. This was what dreams were made of. 

Dan kissed Phil when they were just kids. But that was innocent kiss. A fleeting feeling of the lips just to see what it was like then it was gone. But this, right now, it was different. Somehow, it made Dan’s stomach feel those cliches his ex girlfriend used to say. Dan felt like this was right. Like this was what it was supposed to be. A connection. Not just using mouth to please each other. 

It was chaste but the connection lingered. And it made Dan feel the craving for more. And more. And another. But Dan knew it should be reserved for Saturday.

“Well that was fleeting.” Phil whispered, still close to Dan’s face. “Does this mean I can kiss you every now and then?” Phil asked him, smile playing on his lips.

“Yes, you spork. I have been wanting to do that for years.” Dan shoved him using his shoulder. 

“What? Really?” Phil’s eyebrow raised. 

“Have been pining you for years. Where have you been all this time, Lester?” Dan rolled his eyes. 

“But you had a girlfriend.”

“Fair point.” Dan shrugged. “But she is just a cover up for me, as mean as it sounds. I can’t take the fact that your eyes are not trained at me.”

“Have been for the past few years. Where have you been all this time, Howell?” Phil teased him.    


“Really?” 

“Dan, if I asked you out on a date when you are only 13, imagine the thought of it.”

“Good point.” Dan walked side by side with Phil. “Hang on. You told me when I was 13. Does that mean you like me when I just hit puberty?”

“You are making me sound like a perv.” 

“Yeah. You are.” Dan chuckled. 

Then they arrived at Dan’s front door. Phil stood silent, trying to think of what to do next. Dan on the other hand, did not want to move because he just wanted Phil to stay. It was always decided that Dan should stay by Phil’s side. But, despite their keen perseverance to be joined at the hip, there was always a distance caught between them much to their dismay. 

Every night, it was a silent ‘see you later’ but not a ‘goodbye’. Never a goodbye. They had not said goodbye yet. To them,  _ goodbye _ was the finality. They rarely used that word, much to their delight. Goodbyes was still horrible regardless of the context it was used in.

But no matter how many times Dan tried to prevent the inevitable, the inevitable still lived up to its name.

Distance caught.

“So..uhm..” Dan started. 

Phil smiled. “I’ll see you tomorrow then?” 

“You can come and sleep over anytime you like though.” Dan suggestively winked at Phil, earning a blush from the boy. “I mean it, Phil. We can still do the best friend stuff.”

“But that means we can do it along with the boyfriend stuff.” Phil grinned. Dan could not hide the flush of his cheeks this time. The thought of it. Phil kissing him until his lips were bruised. Phil’s hands intertwined with his own. Phil’s head tucked on his nape. Phil’s hands. Just the thought of those things made blood rush towards the unexpected areas that Dan did not want to be active right now. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Dan smiled, slowly grabbing his books and Phil opening the door for him. 

“Such gentlemanly. Very wow.” Dan whispered as Phil turned to walk away. Phil turned around again to look at Dan and just laughed. And Dan laughed too. And everything was so well.

There might be a tangible distance between them right now but their hearts were closer than ever. They were dancing slowly together under the moonlight by the lake.

That night, he could not stop grinning. He grinned at the crying ladies on the telly. He grinned at his homework, his stuff toy, his father, his mother. 

“So, Dan. What’s the catch?” Dan saw his mum smiling. 

“Oh nothing, mum. Just Phil stuff.” 

“Oh?” 

“Yep.”

“Okay.”

All was well. All was still well.

 

_ Ever since you were kids, I always knew what you two had something special. Ever since that day at the park. I saw you. I saw you when you kissed his lips. I thought it was sweet. That even though you were little, you had found someone to make anything sweeter. I saw the love. I saw you happy. The light was still within me. My sun was still shining bright, that was why I saw.  _

 

_ But the light went out like a snap of a hand.  _

 

Dan woke up with the sound of the thuds from the front door. He looked over the digital clock and saw it was two in the morning. Whoever was the one pounding on the front door better have something urgent to say. 

“Phil.” Dan groaned and shook him. Phil swatted his arm. He stayed for the night. His parents were out of town because of a conference and they had no issue of “pregnancy” as his Mum had told him, so they let Phil stay. Phil had the task to protect Dan but- judging from the reaction time- it turned out Dan was going to protect Phil. 

“Phil, someone is at the door. We need to check it.” Dan was already standing up and trying to locate his pyjama bottoms and a decent shirt.

Phil was stretching slowly and got out of bed. “‘ho ‘as it?” Phil slurred as he grabbed his glasses. 

Dan puts on his shirt. “I don’t know. But I have a dread at the pit of my stomach.”

Phil yawned and walked towards the bedroom door, following Dan downstairs. The door was being violently pounded with each passing second and Dan feared it might be some murderer or something. 

Phil took a vase out of the table near the door and walked before Dan. 

“Dan, get at the back.” Phil whispered and slowly. He peered on the peephole and saw a tuft of hair similar to Phil’s dyed ones. 

“Martyn?” Phil asked, confused. Dan was confused too, to put it lightly. 

“What are you doing here?” Dan motioned Phil to set the vase down, unlatched the door and swung it open to reveal a rather distraught Martyn, heaving his breath, under the light of his door at two in the morning. 

“Are you okay?” Phil asked Martyn. 

“Dan..” Breath. “It’s your parents..” Breath. 

Dan tried to internalize his words.  _ Parents _ . Just that and yet it made so much sense. 

Dan always thought that words were empty vessels. But when a person use that word, some context was poured into it. And Dan wished that the word parents was just an empty vessel right now, rather than an overflowing vial of acidic substance, corroding his world and damaging everything of Dan.

Phil ran upstairs to get the keys to his car and drove to the familiar road towards the hospital. Dan was still clutching the lion stuffed toy with him. It used to calm Dan down enough to have a conversation. It was Phil’s but Dan could borrow it for emergency purposes.

But no matter how much digging, trying to put every squeeze with his emotion, the palpitating heart was prevalent as ever, leaving Dan dangerously silent and with anxiety slowly eating him up. He caught sight of the familiar building and he began to cry.

When they arrived at the hospital, he saw his Dad on the emergency area on a wheelchair with a bandage on his head. Dan’s heart plummeted at the sight of him. It even became apparent that his heart had already been buried underneath the earth when he saw him crying and sobbing. 

His dad. His strong Dad. His support. His anchor. He was breaking apart. 

Dan stood near the doors and Phil was beside him in no time, just in time to see a Doctor coming out of the emergency doors. With a shake of the Doctor’s head, his Dad’s shoulder shook even more. Dan understood. His Dad lost and lose. Dan lost and lose too. Dan became a part of a game he never thought he was going to be a player of.  

Grief had a strange way of changing people. Some grief made people stronger. Some made them contemplate. But this kind of grief? It incapacitated them, left them with broken heart, left them weak and angry. It left them sad, incomplete, and feeling as if the world was going upside down. 

Dan knew early on that the home he used to love would also change by the course of grievances from the two souls remaining. Rooms became darker. Colours seemed to be drained. Life seemed to evade it. It also did not help that Phil was going away for university. Phil almost did not leave but Dan told him he was going to be okay. That somehow, this grief would make them stronger. 

But it never did.

 

_ And like a gust of wind that suddenly decided it was time to blow, it blew away the candle I was using to see in a room of darkness.  _

_ That was when it started. It started out as light drinks every night, just to get the little pain in my chest go away. I thought I could do that: drinking when everything hurts to numb the pain. I thought it would be like a medicine. But the thing was- alcohol was not and never would be a medicine. It would always be an addictive illegal drug. And when you become dependent to one, it was downhill from there.  _

 

Dan came home from his part time job to a dark house and a new broken vase. The scene did not shock him and it scared Dan for a moment. Getting used to silence was something. Getting used to violence and chaos was another.

He walked towards the lounge to find the picture frame that housed his Mother’s solo portrait shattered and was lying face on the ground. The sofa his father had camped for months was empty with few ruffled bedsheets. The house was silent except for the white noise and static coming from the telly. No swearing. No nightmares.

He opened the lights and walked around the room carrying a laundry basket gathering dirty clothes from the floor. It was even messier under the scrutinizing light. He tried not to trip from the bottles lying on the floor. _ He tried not to think about those too. _

When he was done straightening the room, he went and tended the shattered frame. Carefully, he took out the picture and stared at it. 

She was happy. His Mum was happy. It was her absence that he realised his mum was the glue of the family. When she left, the pieces of the family drifted apart. 

He pocketed the picture and began to do the laundry. Whilst waiting for the laundry to finish, he took out his phone and read Phil’s text. 

**You okay, bear?**

Dan sighed. He wanted to tell him everything about this. About the shattered frame and the shattered vases. About the bottles. About the slurs. About the drunken words aimed at him like knives. But he did not want to make Phil worry. If he would say what was really happening, Phil would come here without second thoughts. And Dan did not want to hinder Phil with his studies.

**Okay like a pampered child. You done with class?**

Few minutes and the phone buzzed.

**Yeah. Heading back to the halls. You sure you are okay, love?**

Dan bit his lips.

**Yes. I’m doing the laundry. Dad is out. Text or call you later xxx**

He put his phone inside his jeans and heard the bang of the doorway being forcibly shut. Dan jumped at the noise and peered into the hallway.

His Dad was drinking from some bottle Dan did not know the name. He had long given up identifying the alcohol when they all resulted the same. Same violence. Same words. Same slurs. Same  _ him _ . But his Dad looked drunk, too drunk for Dan’s capacity to handle. 

It was not that bad at first. Dan just sort of pushed him too far off the edge. He would be crying non-stop every day. In the morning, he would cry. In the evening, he would cry. His sobs would pierce the silence of the house. His Dad had known his cries. He heard it. And Dan knew he started to drink to block out Dan’s noises.

The two of them was living in the edge ever since their number was reduced to two. And Dan surely said something that could render a blow at some point. He kind of deserved it. He felt like he deserved it. 

But the next attacks thereon felt like a routine to Dan. Usually, he would avoid his Dad and camp inside the room. If he needed to pee, there was a bathroom and loo on the second floor. If he needed to eat, there was a stash of food in his own bedroom. Dan was prepared. But today, it was different. His Dad came home earlier and he was not asleep yet.

His Dad waddled towards the lounge area and Dan took this as a chance. He walked upstairs. Laundry could wait.

Halfway up, however, Dan felt something watching him. He turned around and saw his Father staring at him.

“I ‘id na’ ‘no yer hom.” He slurred. 

“I-I-I was at the laundry room.” Dan stammered. 

“Why?”

Dan gulped. “To do the laundry.” 

“Do not lie to me. Why you trying to replace her? You want to be a woman now? Is that what you want to do?” His Dad swig down the bottle. “Faggots. You are the reason why this is happening.” 

He walked towards the fireplace without breaking eye contact with Dan. Then his Dad cried. “You are the reason why she died.” He choked but his eyes remained glaring.

“What does it feel like, Dan? Huh?” His Dad walked towards him this time slowly but with malicious intent. Dan felt his body moving back in its own accord.

“What does it feel like to take your Mother’s life? What does it feel like to be the reason of this family breaking apart?” His Dad sneered. “What does it feel like to have your light get extinguished by pouf like you?!” 

He smashed the bottle on the wall beside him. Shards flew and Dan was sure some of it pierced his skin. 

Dan thought the volcano had stopped erupting. But his Dad moved forward and grabbed Dan’s collar. By that time, Dan was already taller than his Dad. But Dan always felt so small against his insulting gaze, glazed by alcohol and underlying grief. 

“What-” He heaved and hissed on his ears. “-would it feel like to lose your Phil instead?” Dan shut his eyes and suddenly he was religious once again as he prayed a collective prayer to whoever was the deity listening. 

He shoved Dan to the wall and pinned him. “What would it feel like to have someone take away Phil? You would fucking know soon. You would.” 

Dan smelt the alcohol in his breath. He considered holding in his breath until he would pass out. Anything. Just anything to get him off. Any possible way that could make Dan stopped registering.

Then he let go. He lets go and punched him on the jaw. This time, Dan knew it was not his fault.  _ Since when was it Dan’s fault anyway? _

His jaw throbbed in pain as the shadows of his father loomed over his fallen form.

He looked straight to his father’s jungle eyes and saw it twitch and Dan was crazy enough to believe that that twitch meant he did not mean it.That against the haze and masks of the alcohol streaming in his body moving with his blood, that person was still his Dad. That maybe it was the grief that was moving his body.

His Dad walked away and closed the lounge lights, leaving Dan crouched on the floor,his hands clasping his jaw.

But when another pain shot through his jaw and he tasted blood, he snapped out of his pity and let self-preservation took over and ran towards the bedroom with tears stinging his eyes. When he closed the doors, he slid on the floor with a loud thump, his head felt like it was spinning and his eyes could not focus on anything. He muffled his sobs with his hands tightly clasped against his mouth.

It was always like this. It was always about this. Always pain. Always blaming. Then Dan pitying him and forgiving even when his pale skin was splattered with bruises. It was a cycle. A never ending process. 

Dan was tired. Too tired.

He pulled out his phone and dialled the only person he could lean on. It was answered after the second ring. 

**Hello?**

Dan did not speak. He did not say anything. Only his ragged breathing. But he knew Phil would know. He would know. 

**Dan? Dan are you okay?**

Dan sobbed on the phone and he heard Phil’s breathing this time. It was enough for Dan. Enough for him to fight. But it was not enough for him to lie. Not enough to hide.

**Dan? What is going on?**

**phil, i need you right now. i do not know what to do anymore.**

There were rustling on the other end.

**What is going on?**

**it hurts, phil. the punch hurts so much. my chest hurts too.**

**Who did that, Dan? Who did?**

Dan shook his head and sobbed loudly this time, failing to muffle.

**Dan, tell me who did that.**

**dad. he did it.**

There was silence. 

**How long?**

**six months after her death.**

More rustlings.

**Dan, listen to me. If you can get out of the house, get to our house.**

**no! i can’t. they must not know, phil. they must not know.**

**Why not?**

**he is family, phil. the only family i had.**

**Family do not punch you on the face, Dan. Family do not hurt you.**

It was Dan’s turn to be silent.

**Listen to me, Dan. If you cannot get out, lock your door, barricade it and make sure no one can come in. I’ll be there by tomorrow.**

**tomorrow?**

**You do not think I will wait until the weekend, do you?**

**but what about your classes?**

**I’ll tell them family emergency.**

**phil, you do not have to do this.**

**I know. But I want to. Do not turn off this call at all. All through the night, I will have to listen. I will not end this until I can see you again.**

**you are already going?**

**Hell yes. I am walking to the stations already.**

Dan was silent.

**Dan?**

**yeah?**

**Just hold on for me.**

 

_ My brightest light went out when your Mum died. But I was not sitting in the darkness completely coated in it. You were there all along. Your fire, it was not as bright as her’s, but it was there. It was there and I did not even notice it. If the flames of her was extinguished by a gust of wind, I extinguished you with my own blow. It was my fault. _

 

At exactly eleven in the evening, he saw the ever familiar figure walking towards their house. When the clouds began to dissipate, the light of the moonlight illuminated Phil’s face. Dan’s heart skipped a beat at the sight of him. He was going to leave. Finally, he would. Along with this elation, there was a dread. 

What would happen to his Dad?

When Phil looked up, Dan saw him nodded. Dragging his suitcase silently, he caught sight of his Dad snoring, his body sprawled on the couch. He saw a blanket tossed on the floor. Grabbing it, he tiptoed towards him and draped it all over his body. Dan did not know why he did that. He just knew he should.

Focusing on his goal, he walked out of the doors completely unheard and closed it shut, sealing the fate he was about to explore on. Phil was already in front of him, his eyes looking hard. Dan saw Phil’s eyes shift towards the bruise on his jaw and instinctively, Dan tried to hide it with his hands. 

Phil grabbed his suitcase and dragged it towards the road, Dan following after him. 

Then they walked. Silently at first.  But the silence- it was unbearable. Thoughts were rushing in and out like tides on shore. What ifs began to dominate the train of thoughts. Future became this scary thing. And most important of all, Dan seemed to feel the emptiness slowly spreading inside his chest.

Phil’s hand intertwined with Dan’s and they walked together in sync but offbeat with the music they used to dance at.

Dan tried to take much information in his head about this tiny town. The plant boxes. The pavements. The windows. The diner. The cafe. Everything that could make him remember. Dan did not know why he was trying to take it all in. The point of running away was to forget. Not remember what was left behind. But Dan could not help himself. Much to his bad memories of this town, it made him and Phil possible. And to Dan, it was enough for it to merit even just a portion of his memory.

When they arrived at the train station, it was already one in the morning. So they waited for the first trip train to Phil’s halls.

Dan did not know what to do next.

“Phil, I’m scared.” Dan muttered at last as they sat down on the bench. Phil squeezed his hands. 

“I know. You are shaking.” Phil whispered.

“I do not know what to do now. What will I do? I know I am going to uni but how will I live? I have a bank account but my money is not enough to last me a year.” Dan’s voice cracked. The gravity of his decision began to descend upon him.

Phil smiled at him albeit sadly. “You are running away with me, Dan. You are not running away alone.”

“But I do not want to be a burden.”

“And trust me, Dan. You are not.”

Dan still did not believe him.

“Dan?”

“Hm?”

“Do you remember the time I asked you out and the date that follows after that?”

“I see no-”

“Listen” Phil interrupted him with his gentle voice. “In that moment that you stepped out of your doorway wearing that cute hoodie with horns- do not laugh- I always know that I will never let you go.”

“What?”

“I will never let you go. Wherever you go, I will be there to support you as long as you are not being stupid.”

“Phil..”

Phil shook his head. “Dan. You might think of me as a person who runs headfirst towards a wall. You are not wrong” Dan snorted. “But there are things I calculate. Important things. Taxes. Money. Rent. So when I tell you that I have calculated every step that we take right now, I will not be lying to you.

“I know the costs. I know what is at stake right now. A place to stay? You can come at my uni halls for the meantime while I move my things to the flat then we can live there together. How to afford uni? We will think of a way. But for the mean time, you have your money. You can save it for your uni stuffs.”

“But what about the rent to your place? What about my pocket money and my share with the supplies?” Dan asked him, his forehead creased in frustration.

“Don’t worry about it for now. But if you really want to do something about it, you can get a part time job. BUT never ever go far away from your studies. Focus on it. I will do the rest.”

Dan stared at Phil’s profile, his eyes trained towards the train tracks. Dan had never called anyone beautiful before.  _ Except him _ . Because Phil is beautiful. His face. His eyes. His lips. His little ears. His nose. His neck. Everything about him is aesthetically pleasing. But now that Phil had revealed that he thought things thoroughly when it involves Dan and willing to do more for Dan, beautiful was not enough. Dan could not find any words fitting to describe how lucky he was to have Phil in his life. How lucky he was to have something as good as him.

“Phil?” Dan croaked. “Why are you doing this? You can just leave me on my own.”

With those words, Phil turned towards him, an eyebrow raised. “Is it not obvious? I love you, you dingus. I love you til the ends of the earth.”

Dan was really lucky. He was really lucky despite the trials that came to him for the past few months and years. 

The first train arrived at five in the morning. Dan was still holding Phil’s hand. When they stepped inside the train, Dan felt the twinge of emptiness and doubt again, despite the reassurance of Phil’s words.

Dan was in tears when the train was already moving towards their destination. From happiness? Maybe. But he could not shake off the feeling of longingness. 

From grief?  _ Maybe. _

Dan was not sure about it.

  
  


_ It was too late to realise that I was the reason why I was in the dark. I blamed you for it. Too blind, too drunk to even see you going away. When I tried to reach out for you, to mend whatever I had broken, you were already gone.  _

 

The day was all together bright and sunny. The sky for once, was clear and the sun was shining brighter than ever. The place they were getting married at was a castle by the outskirts of town. 

“Maybe it was haunted.” Phil joked when they went to look at it. Dan, altogether, smiled and laughed at the notion, asking the guide if they could get a discount for it being haunted. 

This day was the day they could be together formally, at least on the eyes of the law, at last. Tying the knot was a big deal. But Dan had never felt more certain with his choice of man. 

The wedding went like this. 

People came. Wedding march. Vows. Kiss. Walking. Picture taking. Eating. Dancing together. People went home. 

Almost all of it constituted a typical wedding. But to Dan, something was missing. Something was not quite right. The empty chairs. The incomplete set of people at the parents’ table. It was as if someone dug a hole in the wedding area and scoped out the dirt, disrupting the levelness of it. 

Dan was not quite sure if he wanted to be sad or not.

That night in their hotel room, Dan sat by the chair near the window, overlooking the vast land their venue was set at. Twinkling lights from the distance shimmered with energy. The stars appeared brighter and complete on the sky above. Dan even saw a shooting star. It was a perfect day. It was supposed to be.

“Lovely, are you okay?” Phil asked him, gently sitting down in front of him, caressing his thighs. Normally, this would turn on Dan. But normal was not what was happening. Weddings were supposed to be the happiest affairs for the newlywed couple. Not an existential crisis moment. 

“I- I do not really know. I just feel like the future is so hazy without a linkage in the past.” Dan blurted out. 

Phil sighed and tugged him towards the bed.

“How about this: we order pizza, eat on the bed, then talk about what was bothering you. Does that sound good?” Phil managed to be his giddy self.

“Yeah.” Dan managed to crack a smile. “It does.”

“What flavour of pizza do you want?”

Phil’s voice began to be distant as Dan’s mind became somewhere else. Somewhere he left a long time ago. Somewhere they vowed never to think about ever again. Without his knowledge, a single drop of tear cascaded down his cheeks.

Maybe he was really sad and longing for someone after all.  

 

_ But I knew I would have done better. So I tried to look for you. I went to places. I searched England just to see you. And it was not even enough. I searched the whole Britain just to see you. I found you. And that was when the flames began to spark again. It was still small but I was not giving up. I desired to be close to you or even tell you the words I had been penting up inside me. But every time I took a step closer, you seemed to step further away from me,as if I was an unwanted disease carrying organism. I deserved every bit of it. _

_ The fire slowly fizzled out until the tip was reeking of an after fire smoke. _

 

Everything was falling apart, and Dan wanted to-desperately to- gather the falling pieces and stick it together and call it brand new. Just something to hold unto. An end of a rope for all he care, he just needed  _ something. _

Dan did not know when it started. It just sort of happened. One moment it was fine then next it was not. 

Before, the thrill of fighting made Dan’s skin tingle, adrenaline rushing through his veins. But this kind of fight made Dan’s skin cold. Dread and sadness enveloping his body,his brain comprehending nothing. 

This was not the first time they fought. Of course not. It was not the first. But this was the worst. They did not normally shout at each other. 

“FOR GOD’S SAKE PHIL! JUST ONCE! Can you not hover over me like a bloody mother hen! I can take care of myself!”

“Well I am sorry, Daniel, that I am worried about your being as I have been fully aware that that is one of the prices for loving someone! I should probably ask you, why are you so adamant to be away from me?”

“Do not treat me like a porcelain doll! I am not breakable and neither I am a delicate fucking flower! You do not have to handle me like every decision I make can potentially shatter me to pieces!”

“Goodness fucking God! I told you! I am just worried about you! You have not gone out of our room for three bloody days! You do not go to school. You do not want to talk. You are crying non-stop! What the fuck am I supposed to do?! Leave you on your own?!”

“YES! LEAVE ME ALONE!”

“SUIT YOURSELF THEN!” Phil raised his voice, a resounding echo emanated throughout the room followed by heavy footsteps going out, slamming of doors came after. 

Dan was seething in anger. Phil could not understand. He could not understand what he was going through. It was obvious. Phil had his family. His loving perfect family. And what did Dan have aside from Phil? He had nothing. A runaway orphan with no family and no money. Phil would never completely understand. Dan felt helpless, useless in this situation. Sometimes he wondered why he even bothered and was bothering in the first place. It seemed to be too absurd. Life was moving around him and he was stuck on one place, hoping and wishing that he would move. He could move. He just would not. For all the mysteries of the universe, Dan was endowed with a procrastination prowess. Maybe that was it. But in the back of his mind, he knew it was bordering to something more. 

Then came the nightmares and the insomnia. He would toss on their bed, trying his best to sleep, but the dread and fear of confronting the monsters in his head were too prevalent that he would not sleep at all. Phil would wake up and ask him what was wrong and Dan would always say “nightmares”. It was true but then it was not. Nightmares were supposed to happen in your sleep, not whilst being awake.

So Dan would go to the other room and play the piano until the rays of the sun broke the blanket of the night. And that moment, his eyes would decide it was enough and he would sleep, basking in the warmth of Phil but with the aching dread that something was not right.

Everything went downhill from there. Endless tears and sleepless nights began adding to his stress and he was at wits end.

You see, it was not really Phil that was the problem. It was him. It was Dan. And Dan himself did not know why. So how could they resolve the problem if the one who had a problem did not know what was wrong?

How could they start mending the pieces when the pieces were not complete?

Dan cried himself to sleep that night on his bed for the 21st time of the week. It was not that cold according to the news this morning, But Dan had never felt so cold and alone with a question turning in his head over and over. 

_ Why am I even bothering at all? _

  
  


_ So I came back, feeling like the world was playing a joke on me. Did you know that? The world could be a mean joker sometimes. It gave me my joys then suddenly wrenched them away from my grip.  _

 

Dan woke up and cried again and he did not know why. Crying seemed to be a part of his routine now. Then he remembered. They had a row and it was bordering to the end he was afraid of. Dan cried even harder, his chest heaving, his wails echoing inside the hollow corners of their room. Dan wanted to scream. 

He did not move, afraid that if he would, he would face the confrontation of the reality. He could not imagine Phil telling him it was over so maybe if he could just stay here, their inevitable break-up would not happen?

But then again, Dan needed to pee. 

Feeling betrayed by his biology, Dan waddled towards the bathroom. Closing the lights, he dragged himself towards their bedroom. Almost oblivious to everything around him, he heard someone clear their throat. And Dan wished it was not him. But when Dan turned around, he saw Phil standing there with his bloodshot eyes and sagged body. 

“Dan, we need to talk.” Phil’s voice was stern. And Dan was scared to what would happen next. 

He followed Phil towards the lounge. Phil sat down on the sofa and patted his right side for Dan to sit. Reluctantly, Dan sat down, giving few inches gap between them. Phil did not seem to notice. 

“Dan, there is something I need to ask you.” Phil started, his gaze falling to Dan’s eyes. 

“Are you going to break up with me?” Dan whispered. 

Phil, taken aback by his words, froze on his seat, then completely regaining his composure and shook his head vigorously. 

“No. I will not break up with you. Not ever.” Phil answered him, his voice soft. Phil’s hand, reluctantly, reached for Dan’s and grasped it tightly. “I want to ask you something, Dan. A favour.”

“Space? A time to think?” Dan blurted out immediately, his brain working with the worst scenarios over and over. 

But Phil shook his head and touched Dan’s face ever so softly.

“I am going to ask you if you want to go to the Doctor’s.” Phil asked. 

Dan was beyond confused. “Why? What is wrong?”

“Dan, it is not my area to give you this talk but I think you might be suffering from depression?”

Dan felt the word like a slap on the face. He came from a dysfunctional family. Could he have something functional just for once? Just once. Just once would be enough.

“I know I should have never walked out like that, let alone raise my voice. And I am very sorry for that. But PJ and I talked a bit and I told him what was happening. Sophie, his girlfriend, heard us and talked to me that perhaps you have depression.”   


“I can’t be.” Dan’s pulse was quickening. He was hearing ringing inside his ears.

“Dan, hear me out. Okay, love? It is okay to be depressed.”   


“NO! It is bloody not! I just want to be normal, Phil! Why can’t I be normal?” Dan’s voice cracked, his tears began to fell again and Phil closed the gap and cradled him softly. “I should be the one who turns out to be the normal in this fucking dysfunctional family! I cannot afford to be that person. I have gone through so much, Phil. You know that. And having this thing makes living even harder.” 

“Exactly, Dan. You have gone through so much that it is okay to be broken. It is okay not to be what people think you should be. You out of all people should know that. It is okay, Dan.” Dan’s shoulder shook, an indication of his muffled sobs. “It will not go smoothly right now, love. But in the future, it will be.”

Future. Dan had never heard of something as terrifyingly vague and out of reach idea. 

“Love, look at me.” Dan stared at him. “We can do this. Together.” Phil intertwined their hands. “I love you, Dan.”

Dan closed his eyes and leaned into him once more. “I love you too, Phil. So so much.” 

The next day, they went to a psychiatrist. And the week after that. And the consecutive visits always consist of tears, anger and sadness mixing with the unknown. It was a rough journey. But the comfort of Phil never left. And to someone who had lost so much, Dan would soon realise, Phil was more than enough. 

For now.

 

_ I was in the dark again. This time, there was no way out. I was crying, wallowing on my own regret and sorrow and the sinking revelation that you would never come back. Not after what I had done to you. You’d be a saint to forgive me.  _

_ My boy, you deserve to hate me.  _

_ You deserve to give me your rage.  _

_ I deserve every bit of it.  _

_ But that did not mean I was not feeling the regret that was swallowing me up ever since you left. I was a void and I sucked my own self to my oblivion while I was busy sucking away the life around me too.  _

_ You might be wondering why I had to do this. It was not as if I was being in a haste. I was not. I had thought about this for so long that people could qualify it to antiquity. I wanted to sleep. I was so tired. I had experienced my happiness, I had seen your bliss with your husband. What more could I ask for? I wanted to rest. This old man wanted a sleep.  _

_ The thing was my boy, there were things you grew accustomed to. Like the dark, for example. I was no longer scared of it. I was passed the time when I wanted to run away from it, to seek somewhere where there is light. So I let it consume me. It succeeded tonight. And I was ready. _

_ I am sorry. I am sorry, Bear.  _

_ I hope you forgive me. If it was not too much, I hope you would visit me. _

**_I love you, Danny boy._ **

 

A ray of the sun pierced through the clump of clouds blanketing the sky. Raindrops and the coldness slowly disappeared as warmth of the sun began to seep through. Dan emerged from the car carrying a basket of fresh flowers. Phil soon followed after. 

Hands held tightly together, they trudged the familiar path towards Dan’s parents laid to rest. They were here just yesterday and upon the request of his Dad, Dan decided that he should follow his one final request. 

Upon reading the letter, Dan cried inconsolably for hours. Phil could do nothing but to look after him by giving water and letting him cry. Dan felt angry then sad then guilty spontaneously during that day. Angry because his Dad could do such thing. Sad because he miss him. Guilty because if Dan had not run away, maybe they would have sort this out without anyone’s death as a consequence.

“But if you never did run away, your Dan would not realise your worth.” Phil argued when Dan was able to talk coherently again. “Bear, he was abusing you. If you had stayed, you would have died. I mean, he was a good man, I admit. But do you honestly think he will not try to do something bad to you? Dan, alcohol -in the long run- is something that makes people not themselves at all.”

“But maybe, just maybe, I could have helped him and dragged his ass to the doctor’s, just like the way you did when I was depressed.” Dan sniffed.

“Maybe you could have done that.” Phil whispered, his hand rubbing circles on Dan’s left arm. “But, that would have worked for people who wanted to get help.” 

Dan sniffed again, leaning his head at the crook of Phil’s neck. “I just thought I would have done more to save Dad.”

“Did you read his last sentences, bear?”

“Yeah.”

“What did those say?”

“He said that he was tired of running and that he was ready.”

“And did you see the last sentence?”

“Yeah. He told me he loved me.”

“Exactly.” Phil kissed Dan’s forehead. “He loved you and that he wanted you to be happy again. His way of letting go of the past was wrong but it was the way he wanted. Perhaps, it was the only way he could bear.

“Sometimes, there were moments where we could no longer do anything. That some points in the universe were so fixed that no alternatives could be seen by the one who needed to decide. But there were infinite possibilities in the universe. It was just- he could no longer see anything anymore. And that would be perceived to be the end of everything. At least for the person.”

“But why suicide? Why?” Dan began to sob again. 

“Because it was the only thing he could see at that time. It was the only thing that made sense to him. It did not matter what the options were.”

Dan was silent and all he could hear was the pitter patter of the raindrops on the ground outside. 

“Take your time with the sadness, Dan. I would still be here for you.” Phil whispered. And Dan fell into a fitful sleep with his parents zooming in and out of focus and him chasing after them, as they ran away from him. 

Now, they both stood in front of the two tombstone by the graveyard, one with the soil still not levelled. Phil crouched down and lighted two candles, each illuminating the names etched on the marble slate. Dan positioned the flower in between the two candles. 

“Hello, Mum. Hello, Dad.” Dan smiled. “Do you remember Phil? Yeah? Unfortunately, he is my husband now. I am stuck with him forever.” 

Dan heard a soft  _ hey _ from Phil. 

“And you know what, Mum? I would probably love him forever, just like how you loved Dad.” Dan grinned again.

“And dad, I read your letter. I read every bit of it. I could not say I liked it, but it was a piece of you. I wanted to keep it.” Dan’s cheery voice began to falter as he knelt in front of the two tombstone.

“I miss the two of you everyday, every second of my life. How can you two leave me an orphan so early?” Dan’s shoulder shook as sobs began to form. “At least the two of you were present at my wedding.” Gripping the stone to steady himself, he looked up the sky and whispered, audible enough for Phil to hear and hopefully audible enough for his Dad. “No one should ever lose their parents this early, Dad. No old folks should die like that. They should die happily and of old age. Not guns. Not suicide.” Wiping the tears cascading his cheeks, he settled in between the tombstone. “Although I would never understand why you did what you did, I forgave you, Dad. I had forgiven you even before I left. I could never stay hateful towards you, Dad. I love you. I will visit you everyday.”

Although cold and still damp, he hugged the marble stone with his dad’s name alongside his Mum’s. It was not much but it was a family picture. Something Dan had never quite captured for a long time.

“Do you want me to take a picture?” Dan heard Phil asked him, slowly taking out his phone, reluctant that Dan may not like the idea. But Dan nodded and smiled. 

“Yes please.” was what he said that moment, his husband smiling alongside with him. 

Click. 

The picture got taken: Dan smiling between two tombstones where his parents had finally taken to rest. His dimple showing. Grinning. Sadness showing but contentment underlying from within. That moment was forever frozen in time.

Dan got up and patted his trousers, dirt falling on the ground. There were wet patches on the cloth but Dan was fine with it, shrugging as he took Phil’s hands, interlocking their fingers. 

You see. There was a certain kind of magic in loving someone. A magic that could dig into your soul and make you feel everything. It could make you fly or bury you underneath. It could make you stay or even, at some point, leave. It could make you cry in frustration or the happiest to ever grace the earth. But the magic of loving someone was within immortality; In love there was really no death. No point in time that love could ever make you forget. Memories were stuck with you. The good or the bad lingered inside your head. Forgiveness was always there and you could give it away that easy. And making sense what you could not understand. It worked like that. Love worked like that. 

“Phil,” Dan suddenly blurted out. “Do you want to go over the boxes at home? I think I saw a box full of photographs. There might be photographs of us in there.”

“Oh. Then I think we should. We can get some of those to London.” 

“Yeah. I think we should.”

And for the second time, since yesterday, Dan felt the certainty in his words. The grounds he was trekking on was firmer. He was sure of the man he was holding right now. Although the vagueness was still there, Dan was not scared of it anymore. He was not scared of the uncertainty anymore. 

“Love works mysteriously, don’t you think?” 

“What makes you say that?”

“Well, love was magical. It did not need any wands, spells, or any potions. It just needed memories, few photographs, and a heart that could still feel the love that once came and stayed since.”

“You know, I sometimes wonder why you are not an author.”

“Maybe, I should try.”

That night, Dan sat on his old study table and typed the words narrating his life, giving sense to what happened for the past decade, and deducing some things in the process. 

 

**_There was a certain kind of magic in loving someone…_ **

 

All was finally well.  ****

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo. This is the last chapter. I am proud of myself for holding on this long. I must say, writing is a chore sometimes when my illness swings its bat at me. 
> 
> Regarding the depression part, yes, we have a depression part. Although the symptoms of everyone vary from one person to another, I have only tasked myself writing about MY OWN EXPERIENCE because it is only way I know what I am writing. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you for the people who have been with me for the past few months or so. Thank you very much for believing in me. 
> 
> Note: I might post another one of the stories I have crafted specifically for this chapter but later on decided against it because it just did not fit.


	4. BONUS CHAPTER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the story I told you about in the chapter three. The one where it did not fit at all. But nonetheless, feast your eyes on this one.

 

Phil went away for a year. His father had a job in Scotland. Scotland was too far away from this town, too far away for Dan’s liking. But Phil had ways. Phil called every night, told him the stories he had experienced first hand. And Dan made another promise. Well, it was more of like a common sense really. Dan would not date anyone. Phil laughed when he blurted it out over the phone.

“Huh?” Phil laughed. “You will not date anyone at all?” Phil continued to laugh.

 

“Why are you laughing?” Dan felt himself smile as he heard Phil’s breathy laughter. “I am being serious here.”

 

“Okay, bear. Okay.”

 

Dan had no problem to follow that. He was not even interested with girls in his class. He was too busy anticipating Phil’s calls and dreaming about Phil’s lips. 

 

Dan got scared for a minute when he realised that he had those thoughts. These, what do they call it at school, ‘gay’ thoughts. Dan thought that he might not be normal. That something along the way made him render useless and dysfunctional in a society where you were destined to spawn your own children. And he liked to kiss boys. He wanted to marry boys. He wanted to wake up with a boy in his arms. It was not even just any other boy. He wanted to do all of those with Phil. 

 

He told Phil about this, in hopes that somehow, Phil also felt the same twinge and skipping of the heart whenever they are together.

 

“Phil, I think I want to kiss boys.” Dan said over the phone.

 

Silence.

 

“Phil, I think I might like boys.”

 

Silence. 

 

“Phil?”

 

Silence.

 

“Phil? Are you disgusted by me?”

 

Phil hang up. Dan had never been more terrified.

 

The days that followed that call was enough to send Dan to the pits of hell. It was tedious and dull. He was jumpy, cranky, and overall un-Dan like. His parents noticed his change of attitude and Dan was sure he would want to avoid them for any future disturbances. But they are his parents. They had ways of getting information from you, whether it was in the form of bribery or torture. Dan would agree that it was the latter on one fine evening. 

 

“Dan? Your father and I need to talk to you. Can you come down for a bit?” His mum called out after four days of no ringings from the home phone. Dan internally groaned and tried to reason with her but Dan’s mum being his genetic source of stubbornness, she just tapped his foot and looked at him sternly. 

 

Cursing under his breath, he walked out of his room, following her footsteps towards his inevitable session with his parents. Each step felt like dancing on hot irons. 

 

“Dan, what is wrong?” Dan’s mum asked him as she set down a cup of tea on the kitchen table. “Specifically, what is wrong with you and Phil?”

 

“Nothing is wrong, mum.”

 

“You cannot lie to me, Daniel. I carried you for nine months and reared you for fifteen years. You cannot start to lie now.” 

 

Dan was silent and bit his bottom lip. He did not want to argue right now to be honest. But the silence made it unbearable, along with the looks of his parent’s eyes, especially his mum. He could not take how much pittance his mum pours out of her eyes every blinking she took. 

 

“You cannot force every answer out of me, Mum. I am not your open book.”

 

“I know, Daniel. That is why I am waiting for you to tell me.”

 

“What am I supposed to tell you?! That I am having a cold war with Phil? Is that what you want?!” Dan felt himself snapping and his hands suddenly curled into a fist. It shocked his Mum for a bit. Dan was shocked with himself too. But the ball already started rolling downhill. Dan felt the rage against the world, society, his Mum, to Phil, consuming every inch and depth of his body.

  
“What do you want me to say, Mum? What do you want me talk about, Dad? That I feel lost, frustrated, angry at myself for even thinking of kissing boys?! That for the past few days, I keep on telling myself that I should stop thinking about it because that is the only way Phil is going to accept me again?!” Dan’s shoulder sagged as he mentioned the name Phil and felt the dampness of his cheeks. “Phil hated me when I told him I had thoughts of kissing boys. Why would that make you any different?” 

 

It was silent. The whole house was silent. He was drowning in the absence of sounds and it was only pierced by his own sobs.  

 

“Is that what you want to hear, Mum? Because if you do, I already told you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to my room now.” Dan stood up and readied himself to leave. But a rough textured hand gently touched his arm. It was his Dad, looking at him sternly but with hints of softness and caring within his touch. 

 

“Dan. Sit down. We are not yet finish. Let your Mum talk.” His Dad gently tugged his son down. 

 

“Dan,” His mum started, her voice cracking. “Whatever had we done to merit such ridiculous assumption about us, bear?”

 

Dan was having a staring contest with the liquids of his tea cup. 

 

“Bear, you know we love you. You know we will always love you. You liking boys is not a problem to us. People you love and who love you back are going to accept you for whoever you are. Why will THAT make us any different?” Dan’s mum stood and wrapped her barely small son who was hurting. She was itching to protect him, her mother’s instinct kicking in. “Dan, we will always love you no matter what.” She whispered. 

 

Dan kept on crying, sobbing, and hugged his Mum tighter. It was all right, he told himself. It was okay, he pacified his sadness and doubts. If Phil did not want him..if Phil could never accept him..if Phil did not want to talk to him any longer..

 

..well, Dan did not really like the thinking that Phil would never be on his side again. 

 

Just thinking about Phil made Dan’s chest hurt. 

 

As if on cue, someone knocked on the back door. Dan was quite perplexed. No one would think of using the back door when visiting someone, unless that someone already knew the house and the people inside well enough. Someone like..

 

“Mrs. Howell, is Dan in? I kinda screw something up and I hope he can forgive me.” Phil’s muffled distraught voice said on the other side of the door. 

 

He felt his mum smiling. “Speak of the devil. Come in, Phil.” She called out. 

 

She let go of Dan and he came face to face with Phil’s flushed face by the doorway, wearing his coat, his hair tossed around places and his glasses askew. 

 

“Oh dear God, Phil. Are you alright? Will you like some tea?” She offered fussing over Phil as she spoke as she ushered him in. 

 

“Thank you, Mrs. Howell but I-” Phil motioned his head towards Dan. To their shock, it was not Mrs. Howell who spoke of leaving. 

 

“I think it is time for us to go. Don’t you think, love? You have a book to write and I have lesson plans to go over.” Dan’s dad stood up and walked towards her and gently nudged her out of the kitchen door leaving Dan and Phil and the silence that threatened to rip them apart.

 

The clock was ticking and it was the only sound inside the room. The tension that was left was enough to cut a knife. Dan was still not looking up and Phil looking anywhere but him so he resorted to look at the floor. 

 

“So, uhm..” Phil started. 

 

“Phil, do you hate me?”

 

Phil’s eyes snapped up and stared at Dan’s face, still taking it all in. 

 

“What? NO! Where did you get that idea?”

 

“You hang up and never called for four days. Where do you think did I get that idea?”

 

“That is why I am here. I want to explain it to you.” 

 

Phil walked towards the sink to lean and support himself. 

 

“I hung up. I hung up because I realised something too. I realised that I am not just the one who have these thoughts.” He waved his hands into thin air. “But I thought if you liked kissing boys, surely you would have met someone that made you want to consider it. I was heartbroken because I think that someone was not me.

 

“So I hung up, contemplated whether to call you again. I was too blind, Dan. Too blind to even think the implications of my deed. I was hurt but it was not enough reason to hurt you back. You are my bestfriend way before I have thoughts of kissing you. I cannot just throw the friendship away. 

 

“I am about to call you after a day but a storm came and cut off the lines. I tried to find a working phone but the area was not even littered with small businesses. At night, I went back and slept with a heart ready to burst. Mum complained about my lack of self preservation because I was not eating. But you see, I have my priorities.” Phil’s lips tugged upwards a bit. But Dan saw his eyes glazing over.

 

“On the fourth day which was yesterday, I just had enough of that shit and travelled from Scotland to here.” He finished feeling out of breath and smiled weakly at Dan. Dan stared at him for a moment and a dawn of realisation finally shine on his face. 

 

“But the train station here is far and you do not have a car.” Dan pointed out. Phil laughed and smiled. 

 

“I ran.”

 

Dan stared. “You what?” He asked incredulously.

 

“I ran from the station to here.”

 

“Why’d you do that?”

 

“Because I am about to lose the love of my life.” 

 

“You could have called.”

 

“I could but you would not answer it anyway.” 

 

“How did you know I won’t answer it?”

 

“Because you are Dan Howell and I love you that much that I know you that well.” 

 

Dan stared at Phil’s pale form. He was flushed, his cheeks painted with red colours. Phil searched for ways. He left home without hesitation to see Dan. And he just ran ten kilometres just to talk to him and clear up an understanding. Dan thought his heart might burst but this time but not from pain. It was from the appreciation and care overflowing that was aimed to the man standing in front of him. Dan felt a sudden urge to hug him, so he did. No more contemplation. He went straight for it. 

 

Dan hugged him tight as if he would never let go. Then, in the bliss of the moment, adrenaline rushing in, he kissed Phil. 

 

And God, Dan was right. It felt warm. It felt nice. It felt like Phil. Phil’s lips was chapped and his hands were cold, but his mouth was the embodiment of the word warmth and it made Dan’s head spin. His heart did the flippy over thing. And they kissed. And kissed. And kissed again. Until Dan felt Phil’s body began to slowly sag, exhaustion and days of hunger taking its toll. Phil’s balance was nowhere normal any longer.

 

He let Phil sit on Dan’s previous chair and slowly went towards the fridge and took out the milk whilst simultaneously pouring cereal on the bowl. He made Phil eat the cereal in front of him. 

 

“Dan?” Phil mumbled as he finished his cereal. 

  
“Hmm?” Dan asked Phil as he offered Phil the freshly made tea. 

 

“Why’d you kiss me?” Phil pushed the bowl towards the centre. A habit he and Dan shared. 

 

“Because I like you.” Dan told him as he sat on his chair. “Th-That is very rude of me to kiss you if you do not like me that way.” Dan flushed. 

 

A hand crept into his own and squeezed. He looked up to Phil smiling, it reached to his eyes. 

 

“Have you been listening to my words earlier, Dan? I just told you that I like you this much.” He opened his arms wide. “Probably even longer than the path I took to reach here.” He grinned. Dan could not help smiling too. 

 

Then they laughed for whatever reason. This situation felt silly. It felt stupid that Phil would run from the train station kilometres away just to see Dan. It felt surreal to be confessing their love for each other. It felt odd that they were more than friends now and perhaps they were more than that way before this. 

 

The laughter subsided and silence began to blanket them again. But the silence was not of an enemy but rather of a friend who was there to help them. 

 

“What does this make us?” Dan asked him. 

 

“Well duh?!” Phil did his imitation of the girls at his school. (He told Dan about it so Dan knew this too well) “By default, it makes us boyfriends.” He grinned. “Well, if you want to be traditional, I can court you.”

 

“Puh-lease.” Dan imitated the tone of Phil’s voice when he imitated the annoying girls. “We are two boys. Where is the traditional undertone in that? We stick with boyfriends.” Dan smiled and Phil too. It felt right. Sitting here in the kitchen with Phil. It felt like the rightest place Dan had ever been. 

 

And when they walked outside that night to sit on the grass, they intertwined their fingers and watched the stars twinkle, not knowing that two shadows upstairs were watching the two of them. 

 

“How did you know they are in love?”

 

“The way they look at each other.” 

 

“What?”

 

“It is the same way you look at me.” 

 

“Will they stay like that, Harold?”

 

“I hope so. I cannot even think of anything hurting our son.”

 

All was well. All was still well. 

 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
